Preface: My mind is still having trouble coping with this new reality. It’s so awful, my mind just pushes it away again and again and again. It’s almost like I’m gaslighting
myself. The smallest things push me back under to this dark reality: shopping for shampoo and seeing the brand my sister used to use, making a peanut butter sandwich and remembering how my father always hated peanut butter because it was too fattening. Some nights I have the darkest dreams. They almost seem like a dissociative state. In them, I’m so angry I’m like another person. I see how people just get lost in trauma and go over the edge. I’m thankful that’s not me.
And now, An Excerpt of a Letter to a Friend with my own notes in bold:
…There’s a lot to tell on my end and I hope I don’t over share, but here goes:
So May 2013 we moved down to AZ after being advised by a friend in military intelligence to do so for my own safety (my ex mother in law is a scary person to say the least and my ex has his own FBI file [as a sex offender]). From May-October 2013 I was still very much in recovery from how my marriage ended and the brief but deep abuse that occurred. In October, things began to resolve enough on that front that some issues from my childhood began to surface. It turns out my dad had committed major fraud with the college fund my grandparents gave me (he used it to feed and clothe me) and that led to a whole family drama (my sister stopped speaking to me, etc). In December of that year, I gave myself permission never to interact with my dad again. You may not have known this, but while at college I suffered severe back and neck pain. Once I gave myself permission to never by obligated to interact with my dad again, 80% of this disappeared. Odd, right?
This last December it came to light that my father is a pedophile who victimized both his daughters (interesting how I can’t even bring myself to refer to the incident in the first person – here it’s in third person, as if I’m talking about another person, but the second daughter is me.); this January we found some of the child pornography he made of my sister. A lot of things about my personality began to click into place (including the somatic pain that doctors could never attribute – it’s a classic sign of that type of abuse). He’s currently being investigated by a police force in California where the abuse occurred and we’ll see what happens.
I tell you this horrible truth because I know you saw things in me that worried you. You were by far more perceptive than most and I know you saw a brokenness in me that most people didn’t.
The very bright side of this is that life seems so much more livable now. For almost three decades, I lived with this horrible sepsis of the soul, thinking that life in its baseness and meanness was inherently this painful. I say sepsis because that’s the only thing I can compare it to. An infection from a poisonous main that almost overtook me completely.
For the very first time in my life, I have a five year plan and a twenty year plan. I look forward to the future knowing that things don’t always have to be awful. I live now understanding why things were so awful, like the back pain, the crippling insomnia, etc, but I know they don’t have to be that way.
It’s very empowering and freeing and I thank God that I never have to see that man again, except perhaps in a court of law.